“A record 16 partners,” trilled Tess Daly, “ranging from TV greats (cut to a clip of, um, Gillian Taylforth) to sporting legends” (some short bloke who used to play rugby).
Hold me back!
Actually it’s a pretty good line up, if slightly lacking the stellar glamour of a Kelly Brook or Penny Lancaster-Stewart.
We’ve got Rachel Stevens, Jodie Kidd, Kat from EastEnders for the gals, Phil Daniels, John Sergeant and the reclusive TV chef Gary Rhodes for the men.
“I’m here to dance,” Rhodes announced, looking like some sort of smug, oily vulture. Good thinking, Gary!
“First, shall we take a look at last year’s series?” asked Brucie. “No!” I cried. “Why?!”
But he did anyway.
Last year, the 14 “unsuspecting” celebrities had been on a “rollercoaster ride”, Tess recalled, narrowly avoiding saying they’d all been on A Journey.
They puffed up last year’s show so much it begged the question “how are they going to top it?”
Then they re-examined the voting scandal that was “Kategate.”
“I suddenly realised that after years of trying to be professional in my own career, I was now synonymous with being rubbish,” Kate Garraway observed.
Well, don’t go on a pointless celebrity reality TV show doing something you’re useless at then.
“It’s like cooking fish,” Bruno OilyToni complained not, um, mincing his words. “You can’t get rid of the smell!” Charming.
“There she was – at the back, the sad little horse,” added Arlene Phillips. At least I think she said “horse’.
And so they all rambled on.
“But tonight it’s all about this year,” Brucie said eventually, after 20 minutes of re-hashes of last year. “All your old favourite pro dancers are back,” he claimed even though Brendan Cole is the only one any of us can name, let alone pronounce.
Brendan’s partner is Lisa Snowdon. Time it took for Lisa to mention she had dated George Clooney? 25 seconds.
Their voices sounded like two nails being dragged down a blackboard. “Ah, you do my hid in man,” he moaned. Their chances of winning? Zero. Ditto Jodie Kidd.
“My name is Jodie Kidd,” she said. “And I’m Jodie Kidd.”
Thanks for that Jodie, spoken like a true model.
Andrew Castle and Gary Rhodes will relish all those mirrors dancers practise in front of, as will swimmer Mark Foster and his Incredible Performing Bosoms.
Austin Healey revealed, “It will be nice for me to wear strange outfits outside the bedroom.”
Jessie Wallace claimed “I’ve done so many things since I left EastEnders” – the ironing, the washing up, watching Jeremy Kyle… The only potential winners seemed to me to be Dr Handsome, Sam Strachan from Holby City or possibly Don Warrington from Rising Damp from the men, and Heather Small or Rachel Stevens from the women.
Heather’s backside packs quite a wiggle while Rachel is, as she said, “very competitive” – ie, she is desperate to revive her career and be more famous than Lisa Scott-Lee again.
Anyway now that nonsense is over, we get down to the real business next week – laughing at them trying to do the samba.
Courtesy: Jim Shelley, Mirror